Fear and L'Oath-ing in Las Vegas...

    Where do I begin with this story? So, many bizarre and unusual things happened in the short time that I dated Kensie that it's difficult to find a beginning and an end to the endless debauchery, sex tales, and chaos. I suppose it all started at a bowling alley in Silverdale washington in the winter of 2008. My band had just finished it's most successful year of “touring”. I use the term “touring” loosely because we really only played on the weekends and we really only stayed within 3 states in the northwestern united states. However, we did play every weekend and every weekend was a party....some of which were hosted by Hooter's girls (My kryptonite)

2008 seems like a million years ago. I feel as though some day when I sit down with my grandkids and tell them about the good ol' times...Instead of a “candy bar costing a dollar”, I will inform them about a wonderment that was once called Myspace.com. It would go something like this:

The year is 2054: My two "grandkids" (Toddler-bots) are sitting on my lap in the living room.

Grandkids: “Grandpa? what was Myspace? and what was the internet?”

Me: : “Kids, The internet was a picture book that you could use to communicate with anybody in the world through something called websites. Myspace was a website in which you could create your own personal website for free and post pictures and your opinion about shit that no one cares about. When you made your myspace page you could put pictures on there that made you look cooler and more attractive than you really were, and you could make friends with people you will never actually talk to.

Grandkids: Wow grandpa, you sure know a lot about old stuff.

Me: Ya, speaking of old stuff...here comes grandma....

Clunk clunk clunk....chirp...changg! Fizzzzlllllllleeee!!! BANG!!!

Future Me: Hmmmm. Well it seems grandma has run out of batteries again, I had better go change those before she gets all pissed off and starts bantering about the toilet seat being up again.

Grandkids: Awwwwww

Me: On second thought, why don't I tell you a story before both of your batteries run out?

Grandkids: Yay! We love you grandpa! And we want to hear all about the good ol' days of Myface or whatever.

Future me: ummm, yeah...I guess I could have programmed you little fuckers to give a little bit more of a shit, but I only had a few duckets in my pocket when I picked you out at Best Buy.   

Future Me: Kids, did you know that you were on a clearance rack? and if I didn't have the heart to pick you up, you could have ended up with some psychopath and I would have ended up with a slutbot?

Grandkids: oh grandpa, you are so silly.

Future me: Uhhhh yeah, silly is a good word. But the word I was looking for is more like “Outaviagra”.

Grandkids: Heeeheheheee

Future Me: Alright kids, this is the story of what it was like before annoying girls and the government were replaced with robots.

Grandkids: Even before they were replaced by foghorns and smoke detectors?

Future Me: Yes children, many many years ago....politicians had souls and girls were fun and outgoing. Granted; girls have always complained about the toilet seat being up even though they were fully capable of putting it down, even when they were programmed as robots. No one has ever been able to crack that code.

Grandkids: what would happen if someone made a toilet that the seat went up by itself?

Future Me: They tried that.

Grandkids: what happened?

Future Me: They found something else to nag about, so we gave up. Do you want to hear the story or what?

Grandkids: Chirp* yeah!

Future Me: ok

    It was the winter of 2008 and I had friended a girl named Kensie on myspace. Well, to be fair I had friended the fresh and rather expensive looking knockers that she had displayed in her profile picture. She had a couple of my bowling buddies named “Pat” and “Alice” on her page that I was friends with in real life, and we shared them in common on her page, so I just added her so she could see all of the pictures that I had on my page that eluded to the idea that I was a rock star or some such shit.

My bowling friends had invited me to go bowling with them on a Tuesday night. I had invited my friend “Beez” who is a pretty solid Asian wingman. Unfortunately I ended up accidentally bringing a girl named Angela, who I later found out was a compulsive liar and all around obnoxious fucktard.

The three of us got to the bowling alley a little bit late so beez and I jumped right up to the front desk to get our bowling shoes and pre-pay for a few games. Angela went to the bathroom and did’t come out for 20 minutes. In that time I was introduced to Kensie. In person, she radiated hotness. She was the kind of girl that could be standing behind you at a grocery store and her presence of hotness radiated so hot that you could actually feel her behind you. She was very flirty with me right off the bat. She said she didn’t know if I was a real person or a celebrity. I suppose there is something to be said for being able to Photoshop yourself to look like a celebrity rock star.

Grandkids: grandpa, what’s Photoshop?

Me: It’s a computer program that you could take a picture and make it more awesome…can I tell the story now, or do I need to hit the                 sleep switch on both of you?

Grandkids: No, grandpa…we are listening.

Where was i? oh yeah. It was pretty apparent that Kensie had a thing for musicians. She was a singer, and loved to sing Karaoke at dive bars. We shared that common love and it was enough common interest to keep us talking for 20 minutes until Angela finally got out of the restroom.

Angela pulled me aside to the bar, some 50 feet away and gave me an earful about Kensie. As it turned out Kensie was Angela's boss for a short time and was forced to fire Angela for insubordination. Apparently Angela still held some hostility towards Kensie for the whole situation and the only words that coincided with any conversation involving Kensie also involved words like “Herpes” and “chlamydia”. Naturally my response was something classy like: “Well, I can't get herpes from playing with her fake tits right?”

This is when it became apparent that Angela had a little bit of a lying problem. She tried to tell me that I had offered to pay for her bowling games. She was within earshot of kensie so I would imagine that she was trying to show kensie that I was her date…when in fact I was not. We argued back and forth for a couple of seconds before I finally just gave in and paid for her stupid bowling. She then tried to tell me that a “hot couple” kept buying her drinks in the bar when I was talking to kensie and that I should come in there and drink with them. I politely declined and got back into conversation with Kensie’s boobs…I mean Kensie.

During our bowling games I overheard a conversation between Kensie and angela that caught my attention.

Angela: I like a guy that is well hung.

Kensie: I think its all about the motion in the ocean.

Hef: It has been my experience that girls are only slightly more turned on with those factors, but neither one of them is a real game                     changer.

Angela: oh really? So what is a real game changer?

Hef: Smell

Kensie and Angela simultaneously: What?!?

Hef: Hear me out, If I told you that my junk smelled like I have been fucking a cake all morning I would probably have to fight both of you            off of me with a stick. Think about it, I bet both of you are craving cake right now. It’s one of those delights in life that no one can deny;              the only people that won’t admit to loving cake are the ones that are lying to themselves; like obese people that are embarrassed to eat            high calorie foods in front of skinny people. These are the same people that deny the fact that they love the band “Journey”.

Angela: what are you talking about?

Hef: Glad you asked! See Angela, there are two kinds of people in this world. There are people who love... and openly admit to loving               the band Journey….and there are people who fucking lie.

Kensie: That’s true, I love journey!!

Hef: That’s exactly what I wanted to hear Kensie, now I can trust you.

Kensie: Chuckles wildly*

Angela: But I hate journey.

Hef: Rolls eyes and looks back at Kensie* “Alright Kensie, what are your plans after bowling?”

Kensie: I don’t know, I guess I don’t really have any.

Hef: Oh yeah? How do you feel about chocolate cake?

Kensie: It’s my favorite.

Hef: Great! It’s a date.

We finished bowling at 1am, and even though we were exhausted from drinking and bowling; Pat and Alice invited Kensie and I back to their house for cocktails. “Oh, hell yeah ill be there!” I exclaimed. I just need to drop off Beez and drama…I mean Angela first.

On the trip back to drop off Angela and Beez Angela went off on a tangent about Kensie’s collection of venereal diseases and of course Beez and I just reiterated the fact that you can’t contract V.Ds through boobs. This infuriated the increasingly drunken Angela to the point where she just started making up her own background even though she knew that I have known her for all of her adult and most of her adolescent life.

Me: Angela, you have no idea what you are talking about.

Angela: Yes I do, I have a B.A. from San Diego State.

Me: No you don’t

Angela: how would you know?

Me: I have known you for most of my life Angela, I know you were held back a grade in high school for failing the basic courses during               your freshman year. I also know that you were held back again and forced to go to an alternative school so you wouldn’t have to                         actually go back to the 8^th grade.

Angela: I had a tough time in high school because I was doing a lot of drugs.

Me: No you weren’t

Beez: You guys are fuckin retarded.

Beez was right…we were being retarded. We were arguing like a brother and sister over a girl that I had just met and lightly flirted with. I assume the reason that Angela was so pissed off about everything was because she thought that I had some sort of romantic interest in her, and when she realized how far off she was about that assumption; Angela immediately panicked for attention, and when the attention she was getting turned into negative attention, she just started to fucking lie.

I dropped off Angela and vowed to never deliberately speak to her again…and succeeded. Beez on the other hand proceeded to be an awesome wingman. We met up with Kensie and some other people at Pat and Alice’s house, played a couple of drinking games with margaritas and I mustered up the courage to invite Kensie back to my place. She seemed very down to earth and almost borderline redneck, considering the fact that her chest must have cost more than most peoples car.

I lived close enough to the beach to invite kensie down for a late night oyster hunt driven by Jack daniels and stories of our past. Kensie claimed to have been a model in Los Angeles for the last 2 years and judging by the photo spread on her Myspace page, she wasn’t making that up. I was curious as to how she could afford to live in Los Angeles just off of fully clothed photographer portfolio modeling. Kensie blushed a little bit and said, well: “my boyfriend at the time decided to start a website to make us some extra money. Do you want to see it?

I didn’t know what to expect. I guess I sort of expected some sort of amway scam or a website that sells shoes or some such shit. Noper….she sent me straight to a website where the first page was without a doubt Kensie’s face….right in between some naked girl’s legs.

Hef: Holy shitballs, youre a pornstar?!?!

Kensie: Well, sort of. “I usually only do scenes with girls, I have really only done a couple scenes with boys”.

Kensie clicked on a short clip of her and her ex-boyfriend. This dude was hung like a small field mouse and was about half limp the whole time.

Hef: That is soo gross. Could you even feel anything?

Kensie: Ya, im pretty sensitive.

Hef: did you ever get busy with real porn stars?

Kensie: yeah, I did a scene with this dude….clicks another clip*

All of a sudden Kensie’s face reappeared on the screen but this time it was being molested by a gigantic wall of dick.

Hef: ok, you can turn it off now.

She turned it off.

Kensie: most guys are intimidated by my past. You aren’t intimidated are you?

Hef: Not really, im pretty comfortable with my body and I can easily say that I dwarf your ex-boyfriend. That other guy is a freak, and he               could comfortably satisfy a Black Rhinoceros. That must have been scary, rather than pleasurable.

Kensie: actually ya, I have never seen one that big and it just hurt and it was annoying. Guys tend to be really rough in porn and I am                 really sensitive. That was why it was nice to have a sensitive guy waiting for me at home after I got done with a scene where I was just                 being attacked.

Hef: why did you guys break up?

Kensie: He didn’t have any ambition to do anything else, so we relied on my porn paychecks to survive.

Hef: are you still doing it?

Kensie: well I have a contract with Hustler that is up in March, but I don’t really have to agree to many more scenes.

Hef: Do you get to pick the guy?

Kensie: yeah, for the most part. They have guys that they call “stunt cocks” that can pretty much get hard if the wind blows too hard,                 but a lot of the girls just bring their boyfriends in.

Hef: so you are saying that if someone such as myself hit it off with you and we started dating, you could avoid doing a scene with a                   stunt cock and you could fulfill your contract?

Kensie: are you saying you want to date me?

Hef: Maybe?

We started making out right in front of the computer screen that was just displaying this girl’s face with someone else’s dick in her mouth. Did I care?.....Not really...I have never really had any shame, why start now?!

We fooled around all night and I never forced anything because I had remembered how sensitive she had told me she was. It was very slow and relaxed. We ended up not leaving the house for like 3 days. 

^They say that the Pike Place Market Pig has seen more ass than Ron Jeremy, I'd say its probably a tie^

Kensie and I were hip to hip for about 2 weeks without any breaks, and I loved the attention I was getting from my guy friends. They always had some comment like: “dude, you are dating a pornstar?” or “Wow, how did you land that one”? My answer was always the same…..”I have a 9 inch tongue”. 

Kensie informed me that she had to go back to Los angeles to fulfill her contract with hustler and help one of her roommates move out so Kensie could have the bigger room downstairs. She called me every day as things were happening in Los angeles. She told me that she had just done a scene where a group of guys shot fake jizz out of a synthetic dick that was the size of a whiffle ball bat. I laughed in amusement and just pictured a bunch of guys with a big assed super soaker full of milk chasing her around some high school commons. It was kind of disturbing. Kensie said she missed me and asked when I was going to stay with her in L.A. I thought about it for a second and realized that I had just been layed off, I had also gotten a pretty ridiculous severance check from the job I had been layed off from and I was collecting unemployment as I was applying for bogus jobs a gazillion miles away that I knew I would never get. Kensie mentioned that she had some friends in Hollywood that bartend on the weekends and make more than her or her roommate.

Kensie: I’m coming up in 2 weeks to pick up some stuff from my moms house in Kingston. I want to see you.

Hef: I have a better idea. Why don’t we pack up my SUV and go down there together?

Kensie: You mean you want to come to L.A?

Hef: Hell yeah, it sounds like a blast. I will go to bartending school and land a job in Hollywood and it will be great!!

Kensie: Seriously?!?!?!

Hef: Yeah, you are awesome! I have a great time with you, lets party!!

Kensie: oh my god, I love you!

Hef: I kinda love you too.

I actually applied to a bar tending college that night and spent the next two weeks mastering the art of mixology at a bartending academy. When Kensie got into town, I picked her up at the airport right down the street from my bartending academy just after I graduated.

Within hours we had my Ford Explorer fully stocked with Kensie’s crap and her

Purse dog. “Gizmo”. For those of you who don't know what a purse dog is I will inform you.

Purse Dog: a cross between a real dog and a rat; no one wants to actually pet one but it fits nicely into a purse and it barks kind of like a real dog. Ex: Chihuahua, rat terrier. Sentence: *< “Wow, Paris Hilton got another fucking purse dog, I wonder if she puts them in the garbage rather than the recycle bin when she loses interest in them”.

We prepared for the first night in north Seattle at my dad's house and then drove for 24 hours straight from there to Canoga Park, California. We were dirty, sweaty, dehydrated and worst of all....super friggin horny. We are talking about a dude in his mid twenties with a high protien, high vitamin and Nitric oxide diet, and a friggin porn star. 3 days with out some sort of release was like filling up a water balloon with hot water...its gonna pop if you're not careful. We unloaded most of the car into her amazingly spacious 3^rd level apartment that she apparently shared with some other porn star...We will call her “Ashley”.

Hef: We aren't going to wake her up are we?

Kensie: No she is doing a feature dance in phoenix.

Hef: what is a feature dance?

Kensie: its when a porn star dances at a strip club. They pay her $6000 in advance to perform for the night.

Hef: are you fucking kidding me?

Kensie: No, she does it all the time.

Hef: This chick must be kind of a big deal.

Kensie walks over to the kitchen and opens up the top silverware drawer and pulls out a pair of chopsticks.

Kensie: See these?

Hef: Yeah

Kensie: These are $2000.00 chopsticks.

Hef: That seems a little extreme.

Kensie: No shit, she doesn't even like sushi. Do you want something to drink?

Hef: oh fuck ya!

Kensie: There is a bottle of Jack daniels in the freezer that Ashley's boyfriend left here.

Jack Daniels happened to be one of the many wonderments that we had in common. Sushi was another....and Kensie was on the phone ordering sushi to be delivered. What a great friggin town this is!! We each poured about 5 shots into a pint glass with ice and topped it off with coke. I guess we both forgot how dehydrated we were as we chugged our full glasses almost to the bottom. Then we hastily refilled them with the same alcoholic potency and chugged about half more. We started making out and talking about all of our plans for the next day. I was actually excited to get out and find a job in Los Angeles. I was oblivious to the fact that I had been laid off at my previous job because of the shitty economy in seattle, and was even more oblivious to the fact that it was even worse in Los Angeles at that time.

Kensie's roommate Ashley had two yapping, ankle biting purse dogs in a small doggie pen in the living room. We let them out to run rampant around the apartment with Kensie's dog just before we let them loose on the patio where they were allowed to go to the bathroom.

By the time sushi had arrived, we were both shitfaced and slobbering all over each other. We had a lot of sexual tension built up from our trip and despite our long trip and the fact that we hadn't eaten all day, we each had one piece of sushi and started ripping each other's clothes off like friggin animals.

We left a giant mess of Ashley's boyfriend's booze on the counter,  along with Ashleys $2000 chopsticks and a pile of sushi sitting in the middle of the kitchen counter right in front of the front door as we scampered into Kensie's bedroom to do the nasty.

It didn't take long for either of us to get our “Oh Faces” on. This had been the buildup of the century. Kensie was never a squirter until this night. She released while screaming just before I pulled out to unleash a 10 gun solute all over her body, her bed and god knows what else was in that room. We were both sweating, drunk and more relieved than a U-Haul full of Mexican immigrants getting stopped by a very understanding border patrol man and sent directly into a plush all inclusive Four Seasons hotel suite in one of Mexico's bordering states where they are immediately equipped with green cards.

I just hovered over her beautiful naked body until i was no longer erect. Our naked bodies glistened in the dull light of the moon showing through the window above Kensie's bed....well until the lights flipped on and blinded us both.

What The FUCKKKK!!!?!?!? we both yelled. We looked towards the door...which was now wide open to expose a whole room full of incredibly hot girls. I mean...the ugliest one was still a 10.

My flaccid Junk was exposed to a room full of porn stars.....not to say that I was really embarrassed, but I'm what they call a “grower” not a “show-er' and frankly, from a distance; no man's junk is all that impressive. The door slammed shut as the intruder exclaimed “Sorry Kensie, I heard screaming and thought you hurt yourself!”

Kensie: oh fuck

Hef: what?

Kensie: Remember when I said that I mostly did girl on girl stuff for Hustler?

Hef: ya?

Kensie: Well, I forgot to mention a few things. For one: she is sort of in love with me.

Hef: yeah?

Kensie: and two....she is also my roommate and she is home early.

Hef: you gotta be fucking kidding?!

Kensie: I wish I was.

Kensie took a deep breath and hollered at the door: : “Ashley!!!! What are you doing home so early?!?!”

Ashley: “I didn't want to go do another feature dance, so I just invited some friends over!”

As I found out later; That handful of friends happened to be some of the top 20 highest rated adult film actresses of 2009. (Look up: AVN Awards)

We finally got dressed and went outside to the living room. I was more worried about the mess that we left on the counter than anything else. Some people are clean freaks....Ashley was not. Her only complaint was about a small puddle on the kitchen floor.

Ashley: Is that piss>?

Kensie: Its probably just a melted ice cube.

Ashley: no that looks like piss...did your dog piss in here?

Kensie: No, Gizmo was in my room with us.

            Ashley: Well my dogs don't piss inside.

         Ashley sounded a little bit cross, but more concerned than upset. Kensie and I just stood there like sheep as the room directed their attention to Ashley. Ashley was wearing white platform boots that made her about 4 inches taller, and a sparkly white bikini with hooters girl leggings underneath....she was incredible to look at. Her boob job was even bigger than Kensie's and Ashley was probably 3 inches shorter and a little bit skinnier than Kensie so it made them even more impressive. She was breathtaking.

        She got down on her knees in front of the puddle (which I can assume is no easy task for a skinny girl with 10 lb boobs and 4 inch platforms) and proceeded to put her right hand directly into the small puddle and lift it up to her nose.

Kensie: So is it piss?

Ashley: I don't know yet.

      The room was silent as Ashley did one of the strangest things I had ever seen a human do. She licked the palm of her freshly soaked hand completely clean. She then looked at both of us as though she was deep in thought. She even tilted her head like a confused dog.

Kensie: Well? Is it piss or what?

Ashley: Yep

The room was dead silent until I chimed in:

Hef: Dude, that was the most brazenly awesome thing I have ever seen!

Ashley: ya? Heheee

    She got up off of the ground non-chalantly and brushed off her knees. I high five'd her as she stood up. The room cheered in delight including Kensie. YAAAAAAHHHHHHEEEEHAHA!!!!  I remembered the case of beer that I had stashed away in my Explorer and offered it up for some drinking games. The funny thing about these porn girls is that they are very innocent for the most part. None of them had ever played drinking games, most of them weren't even 21 yet. As a pioneer of drinking games; I introduced them to a game of kings. For those of you that have never played kings, it is a very social and interactive game that has you and your fellow beer drinking posse doing rather rediculous things as you are drinking beer just about as fast as your stomach will allow.

    By the end of the game, not only was Ashley forgiving of the mess that Kensie and I had made on the kitchen countertop but we were all best of friends. Ashley invited us to a club in Hollywood with her boyfriend Max. We were in party mode so of course we said “Hells yeah” and got dressed to go out.

    The girls didn't drink much, which was kind of refreshing. Ashley's closest friend and other co-star “Laney” picked us up in her new pink Mercedes convertible. We went to a few places in Hollywood that were aparently “kind of a big deal” and when we got there we just went straight to the front of the line. These girls knew every bouncer on the strip.

    Hollywood has some pretty strange rules when it comes to clubs, although they make a lot of sense. One rule was that you had to have a minimum of two drinks in the time that you spend in the club. The other was “no sex in public” they have rooms for that by the hour that they clean religiously. I wanted to take full advantage of my time in Hollywood so Kensie and I explored every opportunity that we were allowed....yes we tried out one of their little rooms....and yes the mirrors on the ceiling idea is genius. One other genius idea was the fact that most of the bars only had a few options for drinks and they were all top shelf. If you want a shot of tequila and a beer....you get a shot of patron and an Amstel Light.....for $34 dollars. The reason that this idea is genius is the fact that you are in Hollywood and not even the douchiest of douchebags is going to ask for change when they pay for their drinks, therefor the bartender just got a $6 dollar tip for 10 seconds worth of work....all night long. This idea made me want a job in Hollywood even more.

    After we club hopped in Hollywood, we went to PSK (Porn Star Karaoke) in Burbank. This brilliant display of restaurant advertising was not only hosted by porn stars, but the whole place is packed with celebrities. Seth McFarlane from “Family Guy” would frequent the joint and sing karaoke songs in the voices of most of the cast from his show. We were once again pushed to the front of the line and seated in the VIP section along with a pretty substantial cast of girls with daddy issues. I was sandwiched between Kensie and some girl that looked like she could have been a Victoria's secret underwear model. I asked her name and she asked: “My real name or my porn name?” it occurred to me then that not only did most of these girls have daddy issues, but they also had identity issues. One other thing that was brought to my attention was the fact that literally none of them planned on being in porn for more than 2 years. Every last one of them had some sort of future plans. Which I thought was kind of cute....I thought to myself: "So after exploiting every crevasse of your body to the general masturbating public, you actually believe that you can return to modern society unscarred?" I wondered what kind of career that these girls had planned on retiring with....Real estate agents? Massage Therapists? Goat milkers? I asked around and this may sound like an exaggeration but it seemed like about 90% of them wanted to be Flight attendants. Apparently I need to start saving my airline miles.

    We were seated at a table with a guy named “Tony” who runs an internet based show that usually involves interviews with Porn Stars and introductions to new lines of sex toys (anywhere from mechanical to blown glass dildo's) He invited us to his studio in Van Nuys the next day....it was absolutely mind blowing. I was outside the front door of Tony's studio having a cigarette when a black Bmw pulled up and a gorgeous supermodel looking girl got out and greeted me. “Hey, cutie have you seen Tony around?” I don't recall what my exact response was, but I may have peed myself a little. I led this perfect example of a female into the waiting room as I watched Kensie on the satelite TV on the wall. Two guys were sitting on a couch next to us holding a couple of hand blown glass dildo's in their hands. They looked over at me and introduced themselves. We talked about dildos for a minute and then they asked if the girl on the tv was my girlfriend. I said “Ya, sort of?” I looked back up at the screen and Kenzie was now topless. The guy closest to me said “Man, I remember when I first got into the biz.” He looked at the screen as my topless mate was fake flirting with Tony. “I was nervous as hell”.

Tony asked Kensie if she liked girls. Of course I knew the answer and wasn't surprised when she answered “Maybe?” and giggled like a cheerleader. Tony responded: “I have a friend that I have invited into the studio that wants to meet you”. All of a sudden the Victoria's secret model girl that was sitting next to me stood up and headed towards the door with the bright red “On air” light above it and went through. Then, before my eyes I saw her on the screen on the wall to the left of that door. “Kensie, this is Sylvia, have you two met before>?” Tony announced as if he already knew the answer. “No, but I want to” Kensie answered back in her adorably innocent voice. “Great! Well we are going to take a quick poll from the viewers to find out exactly what they want to see happen with you two beautiful ladies”.

Ok, now I was in shock.

    On the screen that was facing me on the wall, there was a meter that had 3 bar graphs. One was “Go home” one was “Kiss” and the last one was “Go for it”. I only assumed what “Go for it” was but was actually kind of sad to see the first bar start with “Go home”. Within 10 seconds the “kiss” and “go for it” graphs jolted upwards with percentage markers underneath. 1% “Go home” 19% “kiss” and 80% “Go for it” appeared on the screen and I realized then that I was going to have a long hard day.

    “Well folks, the polls are in and we appreciate the fan's comments on our web page”. He looked at both of these gorgeous women and asked what they thought of the polls. Naturally Kensie said: “Well, Tony first I want to tell the one knob-less little boy that hit the “go home” button to get off his parents computer and eat a dick”. Tony chuckled: “haha, and then?”

    Kensie looked over at Sylvia and slowly took her top off to expose almost the exact same perfect pair of mammaries that were on Kensie. They started making out and feeling each other up.The two dildo peddlers to my left stood up and went through the “on air” door and Tony announced their names, their companies names and asked the girls which one of their products interested them the most. Being the classy sophisticated girls that they are, they chose the white one with sparkles on it and went to town for like 15 minutes. After it was all done, I got to be in a photo shoot with them, take a few pictures for myself and wonder to myself how I got so lucky to witness such an amazing act of passion and beauty. I must have done something pretty awesome in a past life because I sure as hell didn't do anything to deserve it in this life.

Kensie and I went back to the apartment and did it almost instantaniously. I asked her if she was able to get off with that girl and she said that she has never been able to get off on camera because it is to intense and she gets nervous...which explains why she ravaged me the second we walked into the door of her apartment.....for like a week. Then we started to include Ashley into our debauchery. It was like Three's Company but you know.....Uncensored.

    Every day, we would start the morning by doing it. Then we would have breakfast together....and do it. Then we would go downstairs to the gym and work out for an hour or so before we went out to the pool...where we mentally and verbally prepared ourselves to....(you guessed it) Do it!!!!

    I was starting to be ok with this porn life. I was totally into Kensie and even though the things that she did exploited her and made her seem like kind of a prostitute, I saw past it and realized that after her “work” was done, I was still the guy she went home with.

    The next morning we ventured out to Venice beach to drop off some applications for some bar tending jobs that I found available on line. We had a great time just walking around the area and seeing the sights. I got to see muscle beach which I had seen in a gazillion movies from the 80's. There were even a few familiar faces from the big screen that we saw out walking their dogs. It was bizarre.

^This guy got up on a chair and jumped onto a pile of broken glass....barefoot^

    One place in particular that we both fancied was a bar that was just a stone's throw from the ocean. I had prepared a very professional resume and asked to speak to a manager. The manager came out and we chatted for a minute.

^This was the place^

Hef: “This has to be the most incredible bar in the area, it is amazing and I would love to be a part of it”

Manager chick: “Well, we do have an opening but we posted it yesterday and we have already had 350 people apply for the position.”

Hef: “Are you fucking kidding me?”

Manager chick: “haha, I wish. Where do you live?”

Hef: “Canoga park at the moment, but I am willing to relocate.”

Manager chick: “Canoga Park is like an hour and a half away isn't it?”

Hef: “Totally worth the drive!”

Manager chick: “Well, you're resume is impressive, I will keep it on file”.

Hef: “Thank you, and thanks for considering me!”

Never heard from her again.

    Kensie and I goofed off in Venice Beach for a couple of days, then down to Hermosa Beach where we continued to party our asses off further while dropping off the occasional hopeless resume.

    We saw some great performances and some amazing art work.

    We even went fishing!!!!!

    After the party was over, we decided to go back to Canoga Park to have a meeting with her boss at Hustler. I can't give real names but I can hint to this person's identity...She was not a shy person but she was very loving.

Kensie and I pitched the idea of fullfilling her last scenes as a couple and her boss was ok with the idea. I will never say where to find the evidence of the outcome, but I will say that it was not like anything I would have ever expected....in an awesome way!

Kensie's contract had been fulfilled and she decided that she wanted to go back to Kingston, Washington and have a normal life again. I was cool with the idea, as long as I was involved and we had a good time on the way back. We packed up her dog and all of her crap. Ashley was kind of heart broken about Kensie leaving, but she understood. We actually had the conversation at dinner in some amazing Mexican restaurant in Van Nuys after a movie premier in Woodland Hills. I think we were all a little heart broken....Here I was at a dinner table in porn valley...with porn stars....talking about getting out of porn and going back to reality. WTF?!?!

Before we got the last of Kensie's crap into my Explorer we watched a couple great movies and got baked. First we watched an amazing movie called “Across the universe” which you will have to see for yourself to understand exactly how awesome it really is....Must love “The Beattles”. Then we watched “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas”. Now, if you have never seen that movie, the rest of this whole story is crap.

Bad date:

We started our journey poolside in Malibu; sipping singapore slings and ventured eastbound on 101. We had enough drugs in the vehicle to comfortably sedate Colombia. Though I vaguely recall most of the drive, we had taken a few pictures in a few random places along the way. I had bought plastic bat wings to put on Kensie's ankle biting purse dog to ensure that we were in “Bat Country” for most of the trip to Vegas.

(photos)

    When we finally arrived in Vegas we ended up staying at Motel 6 because it was the only place that would allow pets. I was ok with the idea because it was right on the strip and it was cheaper than a hand full of rice in China.

Once we were situated in the hotel room we did it. The dog was starting to get rather protective of Kensie now and was becoming a bit of a nuisance when we were getting it on. It felt like I spent more time trying to kick the dog off of the bed than I was actually focusing in on the hot ex-porn star that I was supposed to be enjoying immensely. I don't know what came over me as the seconds counted down to shooting off a multiple round report at the end of our session but that gad damned dog was getting in my way so I blasted the little fucker in the face as it was licking Kensie's ear during the last few seconds of our pre-vegas-party-spree. It never got on the bed after that.

For people who don't frequent Las Vegas very often I have comprised a list of crucial rules:

1. Never bring your debit card with you....especially strip clubs. If you fail rule #1: NEVER EVER leave your debit card over night at a strip club.

2. Never Buy drugs from strangers that approach you.

3. Buy your drinks at the bar (everybody knows that you get free drinks while you are gambling, but they are short pours and they purposely take forever to get them to you...if they get to you at all)

4. Prostitution may “seem” legal in Las Vegas....but it is not.   

    Kensie and I were both relieved and excited, not just because we had just gotten done doing it, but because we had left the stressful world of porn and exhibitionism behind us....for the most part. I still had a bucket load of cash left over from my severance pay, and I was still collecting unemployment checks for submitting bogus job applications to the unemployment department ever day. We really didn't have anything to worry about. Neither one of us had rent to pay, bills to speak of or any real direction to point at. So, what ever shall we do in sin city with no leash?

Hmmmm? How bout we do a little sight seeing?.....

    We stopped by the mini-mart next door to our hotel and loaded up Kensie's purse with as much booze and Mike's Hard lemonade as it would hold. Our next order of business was to find a drug called ecstasy. Neither one of us had tried it but we figured that we were in the best position to try something new that we could ever be in. We were a gazillion miles from home, and we had as much time to recover as we wanted. We figured that since we were in a town that is infamous for debauchery and drug abuse;we had a pretty good shot at finding some. Well, it wasn't much of a search. Not only did we find some....but dude, we didn't even have to ask. We were actually approached by some shady bastard at the Excalibur while we were playing penny slots (so we could get free drinks). I paid $25 for each pill and we took them both just as fast as I handed the $50 bucks to the clown that sold them to us. We sat and played penny slots for another half hour before our almost non-alcoholic drinks were finally served to us. By that time we had almost polished off all of the booze and mike's hard lemonade that we had packed into Kensie's purse. We pretty much just washed down the booze that we already had on us with the booze that was being served to us. It was time to ride the New York, New York roller coaster. So off we went.

    It felt like night time as we were in the casino but as soon as the doors of the Excalibur opened, it was still bright and hot outside. We were sufficiently wasted and made an attempt to make friends with everyone that we came in contact with.

    This town is incredibly friendly we thought. Everyone that we ran into was trying to give us free porn and their phone numbers. As it turns out, these guys were actually getting paid to hand out someone else's phone number so we decided to help them out as best we could.

^I have always been a fan of doing some charity work when given the opportunity^

    Neither Kensie or I were feeling any of the effects from the ecstacy pills that we had taken almost an hour prior. We were drunker than a Cinco DeMayo party with an open bar, but we didn't have that awesome "Euphoric" feeling that everyone kept talking about. We continued to bounce around Las Vegas for another hour or two before I hit a wall....well, the floor rather. 

    The last thing I remembered from that night was I was on the escalator in the Mgm grand trying to find Kensie. We had somehow seperated throughout the course of the night. I heard Kensie yell my name from 20-30feet behind me as i was getting on the escalator. I turned around to face her and she was in full sprint, running right at me. I think she expected me to catch her....she was wrong. I turned around to face forward on the escalator, and didn't expect her to jump on me; knowing that i could no longer see her....I was wrong. She jumped on my back with the force of a sherman tank...forcing me to lurch forward. Naturally I tripped on the first escalator stair and broke our fall...with my face.

    I woke up next to Kensie, with the hangover of a lifetime. I did not recall anything that happened throughout the course of the night. All I knew is that my head felt like there were little spiky snakes slithering around my brain and the whole right side of my face hurt like a bitch. Kensie was still asleep so i snuck over to the hotel mini-fridge and pounded the first thing that I could find that was cold and wet. To my surprise, the whole fridge was packed with mikes hard lemonade and a bottle of jack daniels. It was imparative that i rid myself of the pain in my head so I knocked down a huge mouthful of Jack and washed it down with a full Mike's hard lemonade. It wouldn't be long before i was drunk again, but it was the only painkiller I could find and I sure as fuck was not about to try and buy drugs off of the street again.