G-Money

G-Money

29)     In 2004 I was working for a music company on Bainbridge Island, Washington. I was also playing bass in a pop-metal band called Skarlet and home brewing my own absinthe. I had a few different varieties of absinth. One was even infused with psychedelic mushrooms. The others were just a small change in recipe, and amounts of mint/ star anise, wormwood or one of the other various ingredients.

Skarlet had just started a few months prior but we had already booked a show at one of the local venues. I brought a gallon jug of both psychedelic mushroom absinthe and a jug of my strongest, most potent batch to the show. I took a shot of the strong stuff just before we hit the stage and gagged like a bulimic would gag on a jelly doughnut.

Absinthe is a green spirit that is traditionally served with sugar and water. It is extremely bitter and just a hair below 190 proof. Taking a shot straight out of the jug is about as good of an idea as liberally applying icy hot to your ball sack with a blowtorch. It is so strong you can actually run your car off of it. The burning sensation it leaves in your stomach lingers for several minutes and it is painful. Bacardi 151 rum is flammable at 151 proof. So much so that it has been banned in many places and has been the culprit to the torching of several bars and bar tops around the world. When you see people blow fireballs at parties or the circus, more often than not they are using 151 because of its ability to ignite and it is still technically safe to drink. (although not recommended) Now imagine something over 25% stronger than that, traveling through your pie hole and down your gullet to make a temporary home in your tummy.....NO FUN!!)

The Skarlet show went off with out any problems. We were well rehearsed and polished. Xander, (the lead vocal/ guitar player) invited me to an after party a few miles from the venue at a mutual friends house. Being just a hair over 21 and not quite having developed the ability of turning down a party, I agreed and also offered to be the D.D. For the night.

When we got to the party the first thing I noticed was the fact that the girls outnumbered the boys 2 to 1. (My kind of party) Not only was the ratio good but these girls were quality. One in particular I will call “G-money”. Well G-money had apparently been partying all day, and her first comment upon meeting her was “I lost my bra in the tree, can you help me get it down”. In the eyes of a man in their early 20's (that is no stranger to a party).. this is what we refer to as a “Keeper”.

Her gigantic, almost prosthetically perfect looking mammaries only had a thin white t-shirt between them and the air I was breathing. There wasn't a whole lot left to leave to the imagination.

G-money was only 18 but had been doing running start for a year so she was out of high school and in college. She was very grown up for her age...well, when she wasn't sloppy drunk at some high school kegger. She was curvy and breathtakingly beautiful. She had dark features,with bright blue eyes. People today say she could win a Katy Perry lookalike contest. She led a relatively sheltered life and was the product of a British mum and a wealthy lawyer. She was very prim and proper, she even rode horses competitively in an event called Dressage, where essentially you dress up like you are about to play Polo with the prince of wales, but instead you get on the horse without the mallet and make it dance. From what I understand, this is an Olympic sport and G-money was actually training for the Olympics.

G-money and I had an instant animal attraction from the word “Bra”. Neither one of us asked each others name, we just went back and forth in conversation. We were in our own little bubble. The other girls at the bonfire were falling further and further by the wayside. They were now just background noise. We asked all of the normal boring questions that you would ask upon meeting someone you are interested in. The difference was, her answers were actually entertaining. She was spunky, different than any girl I had ever met. She was incredibly intelligent, and not just for her age. She sort of created her own language. She would use words and phrases that made perfect sense but weren't necessarily a part of the English language. Keep in mind this was 2004, she may or may not have created words that we use today.

G-money: I hear that your band is pretty amazeballs.

Me: yeah, we had a pretty good first show.

G-money: I heard that all the other bands pretty much sucked the brown star.

Me: They weren't really that bad. They were just kids starting out in the music world. Do you play any instruments, or do anything on stage for an audience?

G-money: Haha, no I would rather perform a Mexican donkey show in front of a school bus.

Me: haha, wow. Have you ever tried absinthe?

G-money: Negative sir

Me: well today is your lucky day my pet.

G-money: meeeow! (licks the back of her hands as she makes them into paw shapes. Then wipes her face like a cat taking a bath)

I led her to my car and took out the two jugs of absinthe from the back seat of my truck. I told her that one was infused with psychedelic mushrooms and the other was just really strong. She reached for the strong one and took a heavy pull. I was busy pulling out the rest of the absinthe bar out of the back to stop her.

G-money: Cough* COUGH* Cough* F@%^!! that tastes like Satan's balls!

Me: Yeah, but if you drink enough of it, it makes you see things.

G-money: Yeah? Well, you are about to see the inside of my stomach sir!

I could tell by the pain in her eyes that she hated it. I pulled out some Dixie cups, a bottle of water, some sugar cubes and a spoon and a lighter. Her eyes were watering as she watched me prepare a traditional absinthe cocktail. I hand her the drink and said “now just sip it”

G-money: Sips drink* “Ahh, washing the taste of balls out of my mouth with more balls...Mmmmm, lovely.”

We had a lot of good laughs. She had an uncanny sense of humor and wit. We went back down to the bonfire where all of the girls were sitting. G-money and I were arm in arm at this point, and you couldn’t shut either one of us up with the jaws of life.

We mingled with the other girls for an hour or two before I finally built up the courage to ask G-money if she wanted to spend the night with me. Much to my surprise she actually said “yes”. I was actually in awe with surprise. I was so surprised in fact that I felt the need to get her out of there before she changed her mind, so I led her back to my car in search of Xander. I was after all his d.d. And I don't bail on my friends, not even for hot, drunk, large chested girls.

We got back to my car to find Xander patting some dude on the back that was propping himself up on the hood of my truck and projectile vomiting. It had just occurred to me that I had left both of those absinthe jugs just laying out on the hood of my truck. Xander knew what they were, and knew that I had every intention of rendering them “Community alcohol”. Unfortunately, I never showed him how to prepare the drinks. I just told him if you drink enough of it you will see things. This poor projectile vomiting bastard never knew what hit him.

As I got closer, I recognized the human vomit machine. His name is Dorian. I had seen him at a few parties, and wasn't a fan. He was “that guy”. Easily 6'5” 280, Dorian would show up at a party uninvited. Proceed to drink everyone else's alcohol, pick a fight with the owner of the house, then do something even dumber to get the cops called and eventually crash the party.

“Dorian, you are going to have to puke on someone else's car now, I have to take Xander home.” I said calmly as I started gathering my absinthe bar off of the hood of my truck. Dorian didn’t say a word he just stumbled to the unfortunate little white sedan next to my truck and assumed the same position. I looked down at the 1 gallon jugs that were both full with the exception of 2 or 3 shots from the strong batch when we had arrived to the party. The strong batch was now half full, and unfortunately for these two goons, the one that was infused with mushrooms was down to 2/3 full. Which means the night was far from over for those two amateur alcoholic abominations. I looked at Xander in awe, he is probably 3 inches taller than me but he is scrawny. That poison should have knocked him on his butt after the first 2-3 shots. He was noticeably wasted now that I was closer. I had only known Xander for a couple of months and had never seen him drunk until now. He reminded me of a new born baby deer, learning how to take his first steps. I told him that we had to go, and he staggered towards me as I hovered over the remains of my absinthe bar and drunkenly hugged me from behind. He reeked of the minty-licorice booze and when I finally got a good look at his face, he had that look of fear and exhaustion that comes with psychedelic mushrooms and booze.

Me:Jeez dude, how many shots did you guys take?

Xander: I dunno, 4 or 5. of that one (points to the strong bottle) then we just started passing that other bottle back and forth. (points to the mushroom absinthe)

I knew in my mind that the worst has yet to come for these poor unsuspecting amateurs, but I didn't want to scare them so I kept my mouth shut and prayed that they would pass out before they become reduced to mere savage animals. Xander stumbled his way to the back seat of my car and laid down. G-money got in front with me after we cleaned the rest of the absinthe bar off of my hood. We were about half way to Xander's house when I smelled straight absinthe crossed with the smell of fruit juice.

Me: What is that smell?

G-money: I don’t know, but it smells like hot buttered ass.

Xander was silent in the back, which worried us both. We simultaneously tried to look in the back seat, I stopped and let her do the looking.

G-Money: Oh shit! Pull over!!

It was probably the only stretch of road on the whole island that didn’t have a shoulder. I couldn’t pull over without going over a steep embankment. Plus, the damage had already been done. Luckily, although still an amateur, Xander was able to poke his head out of the back window of the cab. Despite the river of vomit down the back of the cab, and the small lake that he created in the bed of my truck, we got off pretty easy. We proceeded to Xander's house and when we got there I used myself as a crutch to get Xander to his front door. He unlocked it and collapsed onto the ground with a series of small thuds, like a pile of bricks. We eventually hobbled him into his room and he was out withing seconds of hitting the mattress.

As I was heading back to the car I was starting to get excited about the rest of the night with G-Money. Although she didn’t leave much to the imagination, I was still anxious to see the gigantic anomalies that were hanging of G-money's chest region in the light. We were at my house in minutes, and she noticed the car in the driveway.

G-money: who's car is that? Do you have roommies?

Me: Ooooh, I guess I failed to mention that I live at my mom's house right now.

G-money: oh, are we going to wake her up?

Me: That depends, are you a screamer?

G-money: Haha, sometimes. winks*

We got inside and brought the remains of the two jugs of absinthe with us. We sat down at the kitchen table, still deep in conversation passing the strong batch back and forth. I don't remember much after that other than a few short visuals that I had recorded into my spank bank. (Including, but not limited to one rather awesome, well lighted bare chest visual) Yusss!!

We both woke up, still drunk six hours later. Naked, with no recollection of the latter part of the evening. We both reeked of absinthe and sex. We were looking at each other face to face, red eyed and groggy.

G-money: ughhh, I think there is a nest of fire ants in my brain.

Me: Ya, screw absinthe.

G-money: And screw you sir.

Me: Pretty sure you already did.

G-money: (lifts up the blanket to expose our naked bodies*) I'm, going to go with yes.

Me: This is going to sound really weird but I don’t think I ever caught your name.

G-money: well, it's the name of a state.

Me: I dunno...South Carolina?

G-money: um, no but you're close.

Me: Well, close is good enough for me, I'm just going to call you South Carolina.

I jumped out of bed and G-money slowly crawled out after me to the smell of coffee and breakfast. Much to G-money's demise my mom was sitting at the kitchen table with her coffee and breakfast looking straight through G-money....not at her.

Me: Mom, I would like to introduce you to South Carolina!

Mom: Hello

G-money: ohhhh, hi!

G-money looked like she had been dragged across a desert by a 3 legged mule...by her hair.

She lived in Seattle at the time so I had to drop her off at the ferry terminal on Bainbridge so she could get home. We sort of forced ourselves to swap numbers even though we were pretty sure it was supposed to just be a one night stand.

Despite our hectic schedules with school, work and her Dressage training, we attempted dating for a few weeks. It Failed.

Bad Date # 30

I was actually just a few blocks away from her house when we broke up. I was bored and waiting for her to get home from her dressage training and I decided to go wait at the bar. I was freshly 21 and felt that it was my responsibility as a human being to enjoy the splendors of irresponsibility at the local gin tank. I ended up meeting a “fun girl” there named Emily. Emily was only sub-par looking, but after I had gotten my beer goggles calibrated just right, she turned from a 5 to a solid 6 1/2, which was good enough for me.

Growing up with both sides of my family having almost completely polar opposite morals, this was my train of thought in going about this situation. I have never cheated on a girl that I was in a committed relationship with. That is something I am proud of. So, instead of just going off with this bar fly and keeping it “our little secret” I actually broke up with G-money via text as I was making plans with this random girl that I had just met. I'm not proud but, Yes, I am that guy.

Emily and I ended up hooking up on the ferry ride back to Bainbridge Island, where immediately following our little “fun session”, she decided to inform me that not only did she have a boyfriend, but her boyfriend just so happened to be a good friend of mine and also happens to be an ex-military bad ass. So, not only did our brief suar'e end immediately (rendering me single and alone) but now I was worried about a national war hero finding out about us getting dirty and quietly and collectively deciding to blow a hole through my noggin with a Sherman tank.

Sadly, this was only the tip of the ice burg for the plethora of bad dates that followed these events. 5 years later, G-money and I found each other on Facebook and made plans to go fishing. We had no idea that we shared the common love for fishing, so we made a date of it. However, that is also where we found our other common love....Vodka.

Bad dates # 31-39

1. 31. Our “second first date” started with a bottle of vodka, a couple of fishing poles, an empty dock on an overcast day and hours of conversation. We tried desperately to find the bottom of the bottle before it started to rain therefor forcing us to leave the fishing dock. By the time we actually found the bottom of the bottle we had come up with the brilliant decision to just skip dating and move in together and get married. We started calling all of our friends and giving them the awesome drunken news. My best chick friend in the world “Sushi” showed up with a fresh bottle of vodka to celebrate the good news, so we went from spreading the word verbally to our friends, to actually making it public....with the exception of our families. The fact that we were blackout drunk really didn’t mean anything. We were convinced at that moment, that we were soul mates...or some such shit.

       31. My mom and sister had planned a trip to meet G-money and spend a weekend with us in the tiny apartment that we shared. We went out for a few drinks and dinner and came back to the apartment and started a movie while G-money was at work. As I was unloading their sleepover luggage, Gorilla (the worst dog that ever lived, and G-money's Cerberus pet) had managed to attempt making a chew toy out of both of them. They were pinned against the living room wall with a look of horror as the dog relentlessly barked at them for no apparent reason.

                     G-money arrived to the apartment late,  drunk and pissed off. She was on the last leg of shark week(her period) and stormed past all three of us, waking up gorilla and starting him once again on another agonizing barking frenzy. This dog could have drowned out a John Bonham, (Led Zeppelin) Drum solo.  I had finally gotten Gorilla calmed down by throwing some garbage on the floor when G-money decided to draw a bath and started blasting some angry, man-hating lesbian music. She shut the door and started howling along with the tunes. I was baffled and up-hauled. My family and I were all laying on some inflatable beds that we had just pumped up to have all of us (including the very late, very drunk G-money) comfortably fit on. My mom and sister are some of the most incredibly forgiving and understanding people I know, but first impressions last a lifetime. 

                     I finally went in to the bathroom to try to get her to turn down the music and join us and she went on a tirade about how I haven't been going down on her in the last week. I was sort of shocked, but I tried to be considerate at first as she started to get into detail about how she told all of her friends about the last week, and how I haven’t been giving her vagina any oral attention while she has been on her period. I was fed up, not only because she had stormed past my family that hasn't formally met her, but also because I don’t think that any dude should ever have to be forced into oral when his lady ( no matter how much he cares for her) is on the rag. 

                        Keep in mind, this was a shabby 1 bedroom apartment in a college town. The walls are paper thin so every nuance of every word came out of the bathroom like it was spoken in Martha Stewart's breakfast nook. It didn't matter to her. She didn’t give a rat's left testicle what my family thought of her. She was enraged, probably because she talked to one of her lesbian friends at the bar that thought oral was perfectly fine during shark week,  and naturally took G-money's side because G-money is hotter than Hell's kitchen and whatever clam hording female that G-money ranted to wanted to give G-money her first lesbian experience or what I like to call “The Vadge-Badge”

                       It was the first time that my sister and G-money were slated to meet and I was very hopeful that they would hit it off. My sister is not a difficult person to get along with, so I figured it would be easy for G-money to make a good impression on her. My sister and I haven’t ever really had any problems in the past with getting our boyfriends/ girlfriends to win one or the other over. We are equally wretched in our partner pairings.. I'm not a particularly protective brother no matter how much I love my sister. She is tough and she can take care of her self, and if she sees a problem in her own relationship she will drop it like a bad habit on new years. Mom still knew G-money as South Carolina “the harlot that showed up to breakfast looking like a three legged mule had dragged her through a desert by her hair after some pop punk show that i played”, so I didn’t figure that G-money could really do any wrong....Epic Fail.   
       •           We kept our drunken marriage proposal a secret with our families for a while. They eventually found out through the grapevine and I was forced to take G-money engagement ring shopping...( at the pawn shop) after I had just lost my voice from partying too hard the night before with her at some kegger in the woods.    Within a week, I had quit my job and moved in with her a couple hundred miles away in Ellensburg, Washington. That was when I met the shittiest pet anyone could ever know, a garbage can born Australian cattle dog named “Gorilla”. This little shit heel was actually born in a trash can in Wenatchee. Everyone hated this dog. Even G-money's parents referred to it as the “Snatchee from Wenatchee”. Gorilla is the kind of dog that nightmares are made of. The dog was borderline retarded and if it had the opportunity to run off...it was gone. Countless hours were spent tracking this nasty little shit eating trash pup every time the door was cracked open or the window was open. It even figured out how to open the door so we had to lock it behind us even if we were just getting groceries out of the car. I never understood G-money's love for this animal, it was uglier than a mosaic modern art masterpiece. Gorilla was a herding dog, so once you get into a room with him he tries to steer you into a corner or just barks and nips at you relentlessly until you are right where he wants you....which is usually in a corner somewhere or putting food into his dish. I had enough of G-money's oral banter and left the room slamming the door and yelling something incredibly “family UN-friendly” like....

Keep in mind that this was my family's first “formal” experience meeting G-money. (the girl I had planned to marry)

1. 1. 33. A friend of mine had hooked me up with a couple of real “Rufalin” aka “Roofies” pills. We had joked around about roofi-ing each other for a while, and of course never actually planned on it. However, one night as we were celebrating black history month 2010 with fried chicken, homemade collard greens, grape soda and watermelon. We actually made cocktails and roofied each other with them (willingly). We packed up our 40's of Old English not knowing what the night had in store for us. We went fly fishing at our favorite little bend in the river that we liked to call “Lurve”, which happened to be conveniently down the street from our house....and the next thing we both knew... we were naked on the living room floor the following morning, covered in bruises from our feet to our foreheads.

   We had come up with a pretty “believable” biking accident story, so we went with it and called out of work for the night and spent the rest of the day in the fetal position recovering from the worst hangover Hell had ever unleashed on a human being. All that I really recall even from the second day of Roofie hell was how horrible, malt liqour, collard greens, Fried chicken, grape soda and watermelon tasted on the way up. It was like vomiting up hot foamy diarrhea.

(Myself just before the roofies kicked in.)

(G-money, as the roofies were taking a hold of her)

1. 34. The Little old lady from across the street came over, she was furious that gorilla had been let out of the house. Apparently not only did gorilla crap in her garden but waited until she was outside gardening so gorilla could make eye contact with her as it was pooping. I thought this was hilarious and somehow fitting, but when I notified G-money of these allegations she denied everything and claimed that gorilla is the perfect dog, and it would never do such a thing. Later that day we were slated to go see our favorite band play at an amphitheater and we were running a little late. G-money asked if I would let gorilla out to go to the bathroom while she took a quick shower. I had taken the words of the little old lady a little bit less lightly than g-money and let gorilla out in our fenced back yard so she wouldn't unleash the brown eye on our neighbor again. Much to my amazement; as I let the dog out, it ran for the fence, jumped straight over and ran right up to the little old lady as she was gardening and took a big steaming crap right in front of her as she was looking right at it. I remained silent, as I didn’t want the little old lady to know that I actually witnessed this act. After G-money got out of the shower I informed her that the dog had jumped the fence and crapped in front of the little old lady....once again she denied the allegations even though the dog had clearly jumped the fence, run off into the neighborhood and we ended up missing most of the show because we had to trap gorilla using trash for bait in one of the irrigation ditches...since he wouldn't come home willingly.

   35. G-money had recently been promoted at work, so  to celebrate her acheivement; we bought a bottle of Ciroq vodka and made martinis for each other.....until the bottle was gone. Somehow or another we ended up biting each other in exposed places to the point of actually drawing blood. We then proceeded to have a headbutting contest and woke up on the floor several hours later. We both called into work with another biking accident story, but one of our mutual friends at work spilled the beans that neither one of us actually owned a bike. We went in to work the next day with bite marks on our necks, arms and chest and bruises on our foreheads. We were both immediately DE-moted for coming up with such a rediculous excuse to not show up to work....and got caught lying about it.

   36. I had been talking to my old friend Talina, who is a gorgeous blond from my home town. She is a sophisticated cardigan sporting, thick-rimmed-glasses-wearing hippie chick. She had just finished school at Evergreen College in Olympia, and was about to begin her career at Central Washington University which is in Ellensburg where we lived at the time. She wanted to make some acquaintances in the area so I agreed to meet up with her for a drink at the bar down the street. G-money was at work and I figured I would be home well before she ever got off of work so I didn't bother to tell G-money that I was even planning to meet up with Talina.

       Well, you know how it goes when you meet up with an old friend for a drink at the bar. One drink turns into 5, then we are doing shots and washing them down with more drinks, and then we proceed further by inviting her back to my place where the booze is cheaper. I had decided to show off my new found ability to mix drinks, and throughout the course of an hour or so, we must have put down 6-10 more drinks. I was to the point of near black out. We had just done one last shot before I agreed to stumble her to the door, much to my surprise the door opened as we were making our way towards it as i had my arm around her shoulder....for support. When the door opened. It was G-money. She was furious. Who the fuck is this? (pointing at Talina but looking at me)

       I had officially lost the ability to form full sentences or make any sense, what so ever. I could barely stand up let alone defend this thick-rimmed little harlot. I only vaguely recall G-money shooing Talina out of the front door like an unwanted garden pest while cussing her out for trying to move in on her fiance. G-money slammed the door behind Talina and came at me like she was going to start throwing punches, stomping her feet the whole length of the living room. What the fuck is wrong with you?!?! she screamed as she raised her hand as if to slap me. She was red in the face. I was literally about to fall off my bar stool on to the floor at her feet. I wasn’t sure how much of her bitching me out I was going to be able to stay conscious for. Where is gorilla!? She screamed.

        

       Oh crap, I totally forgot.

        

       Me:“I, uuuugh locked Him in the bathroom so he wouldn't bother us”.

       G-money: You locked....MY DOG..... in the bathroom so you could talk to another girl!?

       Me: Ya, she is just a good friend. We were just getting caught up. (slurred)

       G-money: If she is such a good friend, how come you never told me about her?

       Me: Fuck, I dunno

My eyes were starting to close and I was nodding off mid conversation.

G-money: "I think you need to sleep on the couch tonight, and Gorilla is going to take your spot in bed".

Me: Whatev (hick*p) er

I crawled to the couch as g-money went to the bathroom where Gorilla had been pawing at the door for the last hour. She praised him like he had just built a castle on the fjords of Norway for her. I hated that dog. It was a cock block, a nuisance and it was starting to enjoy the act of rolling around in his own shit on a daily basis. No matter how much we washed him off after he went turd bowling, he would roll around on our bed and it would smell just like the shit he rolled around in. I couldn't keep up with the laundry to have fresh sheets and blankets every day so I just tolerated it. G-money never blamed the dog for it. She claimed there was no smell, when clearly it smelled like dog shit all through the house. I fell asleep furious. Not just for G-money ruining both mine and Talina's evening, but just being there. Her, the shitty dog, the inability to take a little blame for the shitty dog. It was payback time...

I woke up a few hours later, drunker than 10 Indians, and slowly ventured upstairs. Staggering and swaying to the bedroom door, using the guard rails to prop myself up against. The bedroom door was was open and I went in. G-money was snoring and so was the dog...(the shitty dog which was in my spot on our bed). I quietly unzipped my fly and pissed right where Gorillas crotch was lined up on G-money's back side. I unleashed my fury through urine on my fiance and her shitty dog. I had never felt a more satisfying piss in my life. Not only did I have the pleasure of revenge, but the next morning G-money actually did the laundry.....(for the first time in our relationship.) She didn't say a word about anything...just quietly did the laundry. I smiled a lot that day.

• Thanksgiving Day 2010 

1.  37)   G-money had been dying to get me to make something called Duck L'orange for thanksgiving. (Which is basically just a baked duck with orange sauce, but it takes forever to make). I went out and got all of the makings for a full thanksgiving spread. Had dinner ready by 10 when G-money was supposed to be home. I waited till 10:45 before I finally cracked into the bottle of wine that I had bought for us. By 11:30 I had given up hope, I slammed the rest of the bottle of wine, had a little duck and passed out in bed alone. I woke up a few hours later next to g-money and had to pee. I got up and before I could even get my feet on the ground Gorilla had already taken my spot. I was heartbroken that my fiancee had missed the dinner that I had literally spent 2 days making and I was furious that her shitty dog keeps getting on my bed after I clean the sheets and blankets. This bed was now tainted with stinky shitty dog and I had no interest in being in or on it. I did know that if I were to sleep in it again the blankets and sheets would have to be cleaned....but I didnt want to do the laundry....so, what to do? What to do?

   37. (continued) Oh yeah, this plan worked before.....Zipppppp, PSSSSSSsssssssssssss. Ahhhhhhhh. The second most satisfying piss in my life. Right on gorilla....while he was awake but close enough to G-money that she will either have to believe it was the dog....or her. Don't think for a second that this is animal cruelty. By pissing on this dog I actually I made an improvement. It was like a spot shower. If anything, i made an improvement.

           I went downstairs and quietly threw on a movie and laughed myself to sleep. I couldn't wait to see G-money mosey on back down the stairs in shame, with the soiled laundry in her arms again in the morning. I unfortunately slept through it...i was pissed. Haha, “pissed”. God i'm a sick fuck!

• 38)G-money invited her shit talking, yuppie, home-bitches over for a little winter gathering unbeknownst to me. They are hot, therefor tolerable as long as I didn't have to hear any of their notorious negative banter. These girls rarely have something nice to say about anything, and never about any one. They are spoiled, and cruel to anyone who is less fortunate than them financially, and unforgiving to those who were not blessed with good looks and a perfect body. Like I said, “if I don't have to hear them, these bitches are at least eye-candy” to an extent. I was showing them all my death tank, which was a 100 gallon tank that I converted into a land and sea tank with 10 red belly piranhas, flesh eating plants and a scorpion that we named princess. We had a bag full of crickets and one by one we were placing bets on what  Kills it first. I felt like I was actually getting along with the girls and their boyfriends. The boyfriends seemed very chill and easy to get along with. I called my friend Guy to come join the party.                                                           (The Death Tank, complete with Piranhas, flesh eating plants and a giant emperor scorpion)
  • We proceeded to guzzle champagne and tequila. Guy is a lot like me in the sense that we can enjoy alcohol or whatever and have a good time...drama free. We have the uncanny ability to walk away from a situation if it becomes hostile. We are tolerant of even the biggest douches and snatch faces. This particular night however our patience was compromised. After less than an hour of hearing these bitches bring up names of the people we were friends with and using adjectives like fat, fugly, pie-faced, etc. Guy decided to let them in on a little secret.

Guy: You do realize that everyone you know thinks you are a raging cunt right?

Taryn: What? I just say what I believe

Guy: So do you really believe that you are better than everyone?

Taryn: No

Guy: That's good that you can say that out loud , but I think you are lying. I think you really do believe that you are better than everyone. What do you do for work?

Taryn: I'm a home loan officer on Bainbridge Island.

Guy: So, you don't actually do anything?

Taryn: What? Yeah, I do.

Guy: Haha, no you don't. You are a home loan officer on a small island where there are no new developments....people are afraid to tell you how it really is, because they know you are just going to talk shit and proceed to be a flaming cunt. So, if you don't hear it from someone else you are going to have to hear it from someone who doesn't care what you think. Your job is obsolete....as well as your opinion on other people. Shut Up!

Taryn: Ugh, whatever loser!

I think Taryn learned a lot about herself that day. She really was a flaming cunt, and everyone else around her knew it, but they were afraid to say anything about her because she was a certifiable shit talking veteran. On a small island word spreads fast. She could make you look like a parasite by just lighting a couple of social networking fuses in the area. I give huge props to Guy for standing up for what is true, even though the bitch brigade drove him out of the party that night following that last comment. We will just say: He left willingly within a few minutes, after Taryn's posse had a chance to throw in their two cents.

G-money was none too impressed with Guy's outrage and believed that it was guilt by association, so it was my fault for inviting him over, and because I didn't disagree with his comment, I was the new bad guy. I was once again banished to the couch for the night. G-money claimed that Taryn and her have been sharing a bed during sleepovers since they were little kids. I knew what was really going on. She wanted to belittle me in front of her friends by saying that I had to sleep on the couch because of what Guy said. I was ok with it though....I had a little present saved for both G-money and Taryn.

I crashed on the couch around midnight, everyone was still up but done drinking. They were just going around the circle of trash talking and I had no interest in bashing people. Erica, the wicked bitch of the east was not nearly as bad as the ring leader Taryn. She was like the follow up succubus. Everything Taryn said, she would inevitably agree, even though most of it was just Succubabble. I still liked Erica, even though she was a follower of evil. The boyfriends were silent for most of the conversation. Which is probably the best thing they could have done. Never give a succubus ammunition.

I woke up a few hours later, the house was empty and dark. I had just the black light on in my death tank so it was just a hue in the distance. There was just the bathroom light on, which illuminates the kitchen and half of the living room behind the couch, where I was sleeping. It also illuminated the half bottle of champagne and the last 3 or 4 shots of tequila. “Well, I'm not one to let booze go to waste”, I thought. I slammed all 3 shots with the last of the champagne and smoked a cigarette outside.

It was silent and beautiful. Our back yard was a labyrinth of fences, rock formations, art work and plants. The trail to the center of the labyrinth was illuminated with outdoor Christmas lights and in the center, was a perfectly placed Barbecue pit, with a smorgasbord of hand made chairs and benches surrounding it. That's where I went to do my thinking. That was where I went that night and came to the conclusion that G-money and I were not going to work out. I squished my way through the freshly dampened grass and mud all the way to the center of the labyrinth and pondered for a few minutes. I knew she was better than her succubus friends, but she is always going to be friends with them. She was always going to have a little bit of evil influencing her decisions and opinions. I knew what I had to do.

I went back inside, slowly crept up the stairs to our bedroom. I could hear snoring as I entered the room. The tequila and champagne went straight to my brain and bladder in minutes. I was swaying a little bit as I pulled down my boxer shorts and executed one final stream of revenge all over both of the girls and the dog. I slipped backwards and fell half way onto the chair behind me as I was coming down to the last drops of liquid revenge. I gathered myself together and slowly crept back downstairs to the couch where I slept until the early hours of the next afternoon.

• 39) I woke up to the sounds of chatter in the kitchen. It was G-money and Taryn, putting pots and pans in a box.

  • Me: What are you moving out now?

    Taryn: oh look who finally decided to wake up.

    G-money:i'm just gonna go stay with Taryn for a bit.

    Me: Like a couple of days?

    G-money: Like a couple of forevers

    Me: so its over?

    G-money: yeah here is your ring back, and you might want to do something about the sheets and blanket you pissed all over before you sleep in that bed again.

    Me: they are your sheets and blankets, and they smell like shit. Im not doing anything with them. Good night.

I slept for another couple of hours, then woke up to an empty house. I started walking upstairs when I noticed the trail of footprints leading up to the bedroom. It was dog shit, but you could clearly see my bare footprints all the way up to the side of the bed...then the streak where I slipped back onto the chair. There were small pools of piss in a line from the chair to the bed. (You don' need to be a forensic scientist to figure out what happened here). I heard the door open downstairs and the pitter patter of shitty dog feet heading straight to his food dish.

Hello?!? I hollered.

Hey it's Erica! She answered back.

Me: Oh hey, what are you doing here?

Erica: oh I took gorilla for the night, I thought he might want to play with my dogs for a night, since everyone was partying outside and Gorilla cant go outside without a leash.

Me: Wait, Gorilla was with you all night?

Erica: ya, I took him while you were asleep.

Me: Hahaha! I guess there is no blaming the dog on this one.

Erica: what do you mean?

Me: oh nothing...

The door opened again and this time it was G-money and her friend evil....I mean Taryn. G-money was cold as ice. I guess I don't blame her, I did sort of piss on her, her dog, and her best friend and tried to blame the dog. I still feel very little remorse for those acts.

She left me with very little in the end. I had to cover all of the rent and bills now. I tried to explain that I knew that the relationship wasn't going to work out, not because all of her friends were evil snatch faced succubi, but because no matter how hard I tried, she wouldn't believe that her dog was any less than perfect, even though I knew that the hell hound was just as evil as the succubus club.

“Look G; If you don't believe me about the dog, what else won't you believe me about in the future”?

Knock knock, knock knock!! The whole empty house reverberated.

G-money opened the door. It was a police officer.

Pig: I have been getting several complaints about your dog defecating in the area.

Me: Oh really? That's odd, G-money here says her dog is the perfect little angel and I assure you officer. She knows this dog, and knows it would never do such a thing. (sarcasm intended)

G-Money was shooting lasers through my face with her eyes.

Pig: The unfortunate part about this incident is that you have already been notified, and the authorities have already been called once, so we have to issue a citation.

Me: Wait, I was never notified, and G-money didn't believe me when I told her.

Pig: well, according to my records she was the one we contacted.

I turned to G-money in disbelief.

G-Money: Gorilla would never do that. It must have been another dog.

Pig: "Unfortunately Ma'am your neighbors have taken surveillance footage of the dog defecating in the yard and making its way to this address. The strange thing about the footage that I saw; was that your dog “Gorilla” only defecated in the presence of a human, and only while he or she was watching". "Is that your dog?" (points at gorilla, who was currently hording both its own food dish as well as the food dish of Erica's hungry little Dachsund)

G-money: uhhhhh, well, its our dog (looking at me but now mumbling like a 10 year old who just got caught shoplifting a candy bar)

Me: Nope, i claim zero ownership of that little trash compactor

Pig: Would you care to see the surveillance footage to verify that this citation is justified?

Me: I would!!!!!!

Pig: Haha, its up to you miss. (looking at G-money) It is your dog, if you believe these accusations are false we can take you down to the station to verify.

G-money: No, that's ok...i'm really busy. I will just pay the fine even if it wasn't my dog

The officer wrote up a citation for $54. I'm pretty sure that G-money was more embarrassed that she got called out in front of her friends than me. I had told g-money's friends about the neighbor's accusations, and even the succubus club refused to believe that Gorilla would do such a thing. I'm pretty sure those 3 girls just kind of feed off of each other with bullshit and fallacy to make their lives feel more entertaining. They all knew that I was telling the truth about the dog. They just went with what G-money was saying, simply because she said it and they were all friends. I assumed that she talked all sorts of shit about me behind my back, because that is what these kinds of girls feed off of. To be fair, after I had gotten confirmation about what she was saying about me behind my back, I talked some shit too. Some of our mutual friends came over to hang out with me after G-money had moved all of her stuff out. We had a few drinks and they told me she had been hitting on a bunch of guys at our old work place. I quickly responded: “Well, I hope they are prepared to see the scariest vagina of their lives.”... (looking them straight in the eyes...one by one) I stood up and ranted!

In my best WWF wrestler voice i announced: “Behind the forest of G-money's unkempt pubic hair mound lies What I can only describe to you as a half of a: WET!.... cold-cut combo!.....Subway.!...fucking.!...sandwich.!...the fooooooot Looooooong one!!”.

Word traveled fast in our small work place, and despite the fact that G-money eventually got wind of these accusations that I had been planting, and tried to defend herself by claiming that i was just upset because i got dumped.  She never could get a guy to go home with her until she moved to another town.

So despite the slough of incredibly bad dates that G-money has bestowed upon me, I do wish her the best for her and her clan of succubi, and her Cerberus. There is just one thing that I wish I could have kept in that relationship....

• The surveillance video of a dog making eye contact with a 90 year old woman gardening in her back yard while it takes a big steaming dump right in front of her. At the risk of being an asshole, dude....that's gotta get like a gazillion hits on Youtube!!!!! Priceless!!!