Lenna

Lenna

(Earning my wings and

learning to fly,)

Since I was in my early 20's and even throughout some of high school, I have found myself in situations where I end up having to convince my friends, family or other that I am not high on drugs...in the rare occasion that I wasn't actually high on drugs. Sometimes I just get thrown a little curve ball or a wild pitch where I end up having to defend myself or inevitably just give up because there is too much evidence against me.

In 2007 I had successfully quit smoking cigarettes, and drinking alcohol for several months, and with the money I had been saving I decided to build my own Absinthe still. I spent several weeks buying all of the necessary ingredients from overseas as I constructed the actual unit that I had pieced together with a few feet of copper conduit and a pressure cooker. For those of you who don't know what a homemade still looks like: it is basically a pot or in my case a pressure cooker with a big copper tube sticking straight out of the top about 3 feet and comes down in a spiral with excess tubing like a screw. You put all of the necessary ingredients into the pressure cooker and the steam rises through the tube leaving all of the nasty overcooked ingredients behind in the crock pot.

This is what was on my porch......to be fair, it does sort of look like a meth lab=/

           After I went through round one of the distilling process, I left the ½ finished process with all of the ingredients macerating in my closet. I left the still out on the front porch to keep the stink out of the house while I went to California for a few months with “Kimber” the adult film star I was dating. Unfortunately I had been renting the house from my grandparents and they had apparently been watching some discovery channel documentaries on Methamphetamine laboratories. They assumed that the contraption that was sitting on my front porch while I was gone; was in fact a home made Meth lab. Despite my attempts to explain myself, my grandparents assumed that the dramatic weight loss, and sudden interest in small art projects that I had acquired from jogging, dieting and not drinking alcohol, came from meth use. Not to mention my sudden desire to move to Los Angeles with an adult film star.

By the time I had spent my severance check and all of my savings while bouncing around Hollywood, and Vegas, my grandparents had already promised my uncle the house I had been living in. I was officially evicted from my house because I was too motivated, outgoing and getting into shape too fast. Kind of ironic right>? I believe the direct quote from my grandma was something like. “Aren't you supposed to gain weight when you quit smoking?” and even more directly “Honey, are you doing the meth”. It sounds funny saying it now, but I loved living there...it was a great house right on the beach, and as rarely as I did visit my grandparents, I genuinely loved having them close by.

Lenna

Bad Date #2

Late winter 1998: I was a junior in High school and my girlfriend of 2-3 months and I were at her house alone. I hadn't had a lot of experience with giving oral to a girl but I fuckin loved doing it. I had been given enough advice on exactly how to do it and had a couple of practice targets over the last summer. She was nervous and for some reason she wouldn't let me try it with her. For the last week or so I had been begging her to let me try it and the answer was the same every time.

Her parents didn't get home till 530 and we got out of school at 3, giving us an hour and a half of free, alone time.

Her parents had always trusted me for some reason. They never knew that behind their back I was like Eddie Haskel dragging Wally Cleaver out of the house to blow up a mail box with a cherry bomb after offering Mrs. Cleaver a hand with the dishes.

One time I even took her to a friends house for the night, I pretended to be one of her girlfriends dad on the phone so she could stay the night with me at my friend “Neal's” house. I then proceeded to get her drunk for her first time and convinced her that it would be a good idea for her to stand out in Neal's back yard so we could shoot b.b. guns at her butt.

To be fair, I was really good to her most of the time. She was very sweet, and very pretty, and she was a hockey fan. So For Valentines day 98' I asked her parents if I could surprise her with tickets to see her favorite hockey team play in Portland (about 4 hours away). I almost had to beg them, but they finally gave me the go-ahead and we drove to Portland together in my great grandma's 1973 Pickle Green Buick Apollo. It only had am radio so I had to borrow my little sister's boombox and buy enough batteries for the trip so we could have some tunes for the trip.

The rose garden stadium in Portland Oregon was where I fell in love with Lenna. We had such a great time just talking and driving to the stadium. We stopped for ice cream, I bought her flowers and candy and surprised her with them both when I picked her up at her parents house (with the surprise hockey tickets), and another round of flowers and chocolates along the way to the game as I blasted Master P's “Ice Cream Man” on my little sister's boombox. I was smitten. She was great!

During the game; the stadium's giant overhead screen showed “The Kissing Cam” where the camera would focus in on couples in an attempt to get the crowd cheering the couple on to kiss on camera. It was broadcast throughout the whole stadium so everyone in attendance could see, and the whole stadium was sold out. Somewhere around the 3^rd period the camera focused on us. The stadium roared and I had been diabolically coming up with a way to get some attention. She puckered up for me to kiss her, but instead of giving the crowd what they wanted. I put my hand up to her face like a ghetto girl saying: “Talk to the wall”. This made the crowd explode with cheer. The meter on the screen was almost to the top and I saw us on the big screen. The camera focused in on us like a face “zoom in” from an old martial arts movie. We were the center of attention for everyone in the sold out stadium. The meter finally hit the top of the noise barrier and that was when I grabbed Lenna's head and planted it firmly into my lap and gave the ooooooh face. Half the crowd boo'd but the ones that cheered overpowered them so it just sounded like joy. I lifted her head back up and gave her a big wet kiss and then wiped my mouth off and acted as if she had just snowballed me while still on camera. The whole stadium erupted with laughter. We were instant stars.

After the game was over, we headed back to the pickle green Buick and everywhere we turned there was someone who recognized us from the big screen. I must have high-fived a dozen dudes and their girlfriends. When we finally got to the car, the whole multi-level parking lot was full of people trying to leave. It was well lit so everyone could see us. We actually got a round of applause from everyone on the 3^rd floor of the rose garden parking garage. This was one truly awesome date ladies and gentlemen. We bowed like proud conductors of the Vienna Orchestra.

When we got back home we, started to realize that we were starting to get more serious. We spent as much time with each other as we could. We still hadn't taken the leap yet though. I was still a virgin and still had the catholic guilt that had been drilled into my brain since I was just a knee high young-un. I believe that this was also one of the reasons that Lenna's parents trusted me so much. I actually came to them about the subject of sex. I told them that I was a virgin and that we were ready to take the next step. So I had made an appointment at the doctors office for an std check. Lenna did the same. We then made an appointment at planned parenthood so we could get free condoms, since you couldn't buy them if you were under 18 at the time. (I still think that is bullshit, and one of the reasons there has been such a huge teenage pregnancy pandemic over the years)

We told her parents that we still wanted to wait for the right time but we wanted to be prepared. Her parents practically high-fived me for being so responsible on the subject of fucking their daughter. They were stoked that someone so mature and responsible was dating their daughter. Until one day....

Lenna and I had gotten out of school early because it was a half-day. We went straight to her house after school and it had been 3 days of begging her to let me go down on her. At this point it was more like a penny in a wishing well to how many times she had spoiled me with oral. I felt like it was time to really spoil her back...that and I had never actually seen her naked, but I was just dying to. She had this amazingly tight little gymnast body, but she had a puh-donk for days. She is the kind of girl that was designed for the african american man, but I was blessed enough to enjoy the splendors of a semi-ghetto booty. Don't get me wrong, Her ass wasn't fat, it was fit, plump, and round.

I daydreamed about her naked body rolling slowly from front to back on her freshly washed goose down comforter in front of me on her bed on a clear autumn day. The fireplace crackling in the background, emitting a warm fall smell of seasoned cedar firewood. I wanted to caress every inch of warm skin and lick every part of her body in and out. I wanted to make her body quiver and squirm in delight. I wanted to ravage her like a barbarian until I had no energy left in me. I wante....

(excuse me for about 5 minutes, I have to go to the uhhhh...bathroom)

Her parents were both doctors so she was quite unintentionally spoiled. Her bedroom was on the 4^th story of a beautiful white Victorian style house that was close enough to the beach that she had a view of downtown Seattle out of her window. She basically had the whole 4^th floor to herself. Her own bathroom right next to her bed, she had a laundry shoot in the hallway that went all the way down to the basement where the laundry room was. She was spoiled but didn't act spoiled. She was quite humble and sweet.

We played a game of pool in her parents deluxe living room. I loved the way her body moved, she was playful and elegant. I sort of intentionally threw the game so I could get her to the bedroom as soon as possible. I had been building up the idea of pleasing Lenna orally in my head for almost a week now. My plan was to write everything that I had learned in Spanish class that day on her cooter....with my tongue.

We started making out and and I led her up the 3 flights of stairs to her bedroom. I would reach down and slowly grace her girl parts, but she kept taking my wrist and moving my hand away. “not, yet” she said in a seductive whisper. “But, I really want to please you” I whined

We made out standing up for a minute and then I pulled her onto the bed. I pulled her blanket over us as we were kissing. I moved slowly down her body and lifted her shirt while licking her belly button and simultaneously unbuttoned her jeans. She grabbed my hand once again. “No, not yet” she whispered. The whispering turned me on even more, and frankly I had no clue about the female anatomy. I figured she was self conscious about her personal shaving upkeep. I was convinced that she had a bush like the tree of life from
Avatar. I imagined small, mystical, tree dwelling creatures ready to fly out of her nether region as I unzipped her jeans...oh those jeans....they looked oh so good on her. ( I could only imagine the visual splendors that I would be able to deposit into my spank bank after I saw her body when those jeans were on her floor) 70's porno bush or no...I didn't care.

Me: “Come on, it can't be that bad.” I want you so bad that even if I were down there; licking dirty diaper to please you, it would not make me any less attracted to you”.

Lenna: ok, if you really want to do it that bad....Fine!!

Me: Trust me, neither one of us are going to regret this. Wink*

I WAS WRONG!

The covers were over my head, so it was dark when I took her pants off. The visual pleasure I was building myself up to see was now in complete darkness. Instead, a smell whorled around the tightly sealed enclosure of Lenna's Goose down comforter. The blistering stench targeted in on my face. It was pungent enough to peel the paint off of a port-a-potty. My eyes started to water, and I immediately started breathing through my mouth. It was an unconscious survival tactic that I didn't know that I had. This was a horror more devastating than I could never accurately describe.. I kept thinking to myself “dude, you can still back out”, “Don't scar yourself forever on a cursed vahoo” I knew if I kept going; vaginas in the future would scare me worse than being chased by a Tyrannosaurus on a tricycle. I hoped she would fart or something to clear the air a little bit.

The smell of this vaginal disaster was as if someone had taken a heaping bag full of cheap seafood restaurant trash that had been sitting in the sun for 2 days, ate it, and later.... shit it out on a frying pan full of ammonia. (Ya, I'm not done yet)...After the ammonia shit Pat'e was slightly overcooked, it was then eaten by a toothless Mexican donkey show whore with Halitosis and then vomited out on the overheating radiator of a Sherman tank that runs on sulfur.

After being trapped under a blanket with this biological anomaly for a solid 10 minutes I came to 2 conclusions....1) I am now super human, and 2) for some reason or another this strange biological anomaly was getting wetter than any vahoo I had ever imagined possible. Despite the odd rusty taste and the smell that I was sure the neighbors will complain about tomorrow....i must be doing something right!!! Just a few minutes ago, I was convinced that this vagina was taking a shit, but she is moving wildly and its getting wet down here. I WIN!!!

She jammed her love muffin so hard against my nose when she came, I actually heard a cracking sound coming from my forehead. I couldn't breath....and I was grateful for that.

There was a loud knock on the door. LENNA!!! ARE YOU OK IN THERE???

My heart pounded and I had no choice but to scramble to the bathroom right next to her bed. I turned off the lights in the bathroom and hid behind the door that was still open. Lenna still had the covers over her body when her mom entered the room. Lenna tried to play the “Oh I was just taking a nap” card. Lenna's mom who happens to be a clinical psychologist saw right through her. She could smell what was in the air....(trust me it wasn't difficult)

I could smell her on me. I knew that I had to find something to cover up the smell that was all over my face. It was dark so I just reached for whatever I could find that resembled soap. I found a bottle of what I thought was shampoo....Good enough! I tip toed over to the toilet so I could have a little bit of water to dilute it as I was cleaning the muff sauce off of my face. I hovered over the toilet and uncapped the bottle and gave it a good shake as I faced the sky so I could get a direct shot on my chin. “Oh, mother fuck!!!!”....it was powder. Like Gold bond or some such shit. I remained silent in hopes that Lenna's mom would just leave the room so I could fix this mess in private and face her after my heart stopped racing and my face was no longer covered in whatever powder I had just yanked off of Lenna's bathroom counter.

Lenna's mom: Where's Dave?

Lenna: oh he just dropped me off

Lenna's mom: really? Why is his car in the driveway?

Lenna: I, uh don't know?

Lenna's mom: Something is fishy here and I don't like it

I was dying to laugh but had to remain silent. My face was red from holding in the laughter. “She actually used the word fishy” BWAHAHAHA!!

Lenna's mom: Dave?!?! DAVE!?!?!?!?

Her voice got closer as she was screaming....the jig was up and the bathroom light went on.

I looked up in horror as I was crouched over the toilet; wide eyed. My face was red from trying to hold in my laughter from her “Fish” comment. There was white powder all over my face and the toilet seat. My eyes were dilated in fear.

Lenna's mom: Get the fuck out of my house!!!!! Get out!!!!!!!

I scrambled for the door of Lenna's room and took the stairs 2 at a time. My heart was pounding, but at the same time I was pretty convinced that I was going to break up with Lenna anyways. There was no way that I was getting any where near that trash receptacle that she called a vagina ever again.

I must have scaled the whole 4 stories of house in a matter of 10 seconds and I was starting my car before I even had my door shut. I looked in the rear view mirror just to make sure Lenna's mom wasn't following me with a butcher knife and that is when I noticed my face.

I had white powder all over my face, mostly on my upper lip and chin. It had congealed itself onto the dried blood all over my mouth and chin. I must have looked like Scarface. Where the fuck did all of that dried blood come from?

I suddenly had a wave of fear wipe over me like the grim reaper. I knew what had just happened, but I didn't want to believe it. Those boring health classes in high school started to make little chunks of sense. (no pun intended) Lenna was persistent on not allowing me to go down on her because she was on her period. The period blood that I couldn't see while I was suffocating under the blanket while in hopes that I had been pleasuring her. What I thought was a pleasurable secretion was actually just her heavy flow gracing its self on my nose, my chin and my tongue.

What I didn't know was that females tend to cycle together. Lenna's mom was also on her period. Lenna's mom had convinced herself that I was a drug addict and that I was trying to convert Lenna into being a drug addict. The evidence was laid out on the toilet seat....until Lenna's mom brushed it into the toilet and flushed the only proof that I had to back up my defense.

I was instantly cut off from Lenna. They changed their home phone number, and transferred Lenna to a high school in north Seattle, which was a 35 minute ferry ride and a 20 minute bus ride both ways, which landed Lenna at home after both of her parents got home from work. I hadn't heard any of the allegations from her or her family directly, however The story I heard from our mutual friends (that were actually allowed to speak with her) basically insinuated that I was a cocaine addict that was trying to convert Lenna into being a Cocaine addict. I assure you I hadn't even seen cocaine until at least 4 years after this date. I also gathered that the previous relationship that she had been involved in was with a drug addict of some sort. Apparently Lenna had lied through that whole relationship and it resulted in a couple of months in a rehabilitation clinic. Unfortunately, this one did too.

I still Keep in mild contact with Lenna, she had 2 kids from 2 dads. Married and divorced both, and is now a solid advocate for the “don't get married just because you're having a kid together” club. I still think she is great, but I also think her parents have, and will continue to run her life for her so I just hope she can be ok with “well enough”.

I too am a solid advocate for the “don't get married just because you are having a kid together” club. I may not have any children but I will tell you what I do have....

MY GAD DAMNED RED WINGS!!!